I can't just exist. But I can't live either. I was never meant to live in a world like this. I'm sure of that. Where is the reality I desperately seek? Where is the end of my dream? When I wake up, will I want to go back to sleep?
I don't think I was ever born. I don't remember anything but pain. The pain I cause others. The pain inside my mind. Like a headache that never fades. If I reach out for help I drag that helping hand into the shadows. Into unknown darkness and torment. Nightmares. Perhaps I am a nightmare within a large beautiful dream.
It must be a beautiful dream. Because I met someone from outside, someone pure. Though the world is twisted and cruel she kept her sadness inside, it bloomed again and again within her soul. She came to me with a smile.
I can't remember my face, so she gave me a face. A face she herself only remembered in faded memories. I don't know how to act while wearing this precious face. She loved this person and had to say goodbye. I wonder if she would love me. Though I could never be who she dreams I am. It makes me happy when she dreams. It makes me happy that there's room for me in her dreams.
There was another with an open mind. But he was afraid and gradually gave his heart to a beautiful young girl. Her dreams were soft like silk. I don't sleep. I have to wait for her to fall asleep again. Until then, I'm nothing.
Iris is the name of the one I exist for. Her dreams are bright and warm like sunlight. But I know they are also memories. That makes me very sad sometimes. I feel like I'm outside looking in. Sometimes they are very dark like she's barely dreaming at all. Just sleeping and feeling.
Her feelings are the keys that let me in. The loneliness in the bottom of her heart. Fragmented and distorted through many, many dreams of distant warmth. When I met her she was reaching out. I knew I could easily love her. Her wordless begging started that sad dream; my kiss surely ended it.
But what of my wishes and desires? Do they hang in her head like gray smoke? Would I pollute her innocence? I want her to think of me when she's awake. I want to be with her always. It's that selfish greed that pulls people close to insanity. I can't avoid it. All I can do is want. I can't live without these desires. I want to bite into her and drain her soul to fill the void, the void that has become my very core. I will take everything from Iris until there is only me. Because I can't just exist.